Here I am

I feel like I have been in a bit of limbo these past few months, not really knowing myself. There has been a lot of re-evaluating, thinking about what the future holds and my path to it.

I know I need to be kinder to myself, I need to stop putting up the walls and masking how I am feeling. I need to open my mouth more when something upsets me, that maybe I am just too good at hiding my feelings for fear of rocking the boat, upsetting others. I’ve always tended to go with the flow because life is too short but my counsellor says unless I tell people how do they know that they are causing upset, how do they know I am feeling crap, how do they know I am struggling? I used to think that because they knew me they would know, but maybe others don’t really know the real me because sometimes I’ve not been sure who the real me is and I have worn this mask for so long that I forget how good I got at hiding. I became very protective of my younger self a long time ago this mask I wear was my shield, I would protect Mary Jane from the hurt, the self conscious girl with zero confidence because someone had to be there for me and if it wasn’t me then who would? But now I need to let others in, I need to try to learn to trust others with Mary Jane and that is hard to do.

Because I fear that I will be proved right that being brave and opening that door will only lead to disappointment and hurt all over again, that I cannot rely on anyone other than myself to look after me, but believe me I hope I am wrong.

I don’t know when I lost my belief in others, I think it was feeling constantly let down over several years that did it and so I learnt to rely on me. To do things for me and just me because then there was no one to be disappointed, there was no one for me to be left waiting for who didn’t turn up and I wasn’t trapped at home sitting in my room just watching tv and watching the world go by outside because back then I didn’t want to do it alone. I wasn’t brave enough to face the world alone.

In some ways this shield has been my saviour because I will think nothing of it to go places by myself now, but my time away recently made me realise one thing, it is not the same unless you have someone to share it with and for me that is my Ian. My time away proved to me that I still had it in me to do something mad on my own and helped me reclaim something of myself that I thought I had lost but it also made it crystal clear to me that I don’t want to do these things without him. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and it certainly was true for me. This journey of mine these last few months has been physically and mentally exhausting and I am still struggling with a lot of things but I hope I am on the road to recovery. I find I have some of my usual optimism back and I also did something bonkers and hired a cello!

I have been drawn to learning the cello for many years now, but it isn’t something you can just pop into a shop and say hey can I have a go at it? Plus the costs to buy one are eye watering. However it was in a conversation with my counsellor that I discovered you could rent such an instrument and that spurred me into action, so now I rent a cello for £30 a month and begin lessons in January!

Music has been a saviour for me these last few months, I am a firm believer in the power of music and its ability to heal, so thought I would share some of the pieces that have got me through with you and perhaps you will also find something in them too.

I find myself drawn to this beautiful music,

I feel it feeds my soul, it calms my stressed out brain, it has the power to transport me anywhere I want to be. I listen to one piece of music and I am flying in the sky following a bird as it swoops and dances its way across it, another will transport me higher above the cloud line just watching a world enveloped in marshmallow softness sleep hidden away in a vast whiteness as far as the eye can see and makes me think how small and insignificant my troubles are in the grand scheme of things and to just sit back and just breathe for awhile and this particular piece of music deepens my love for the cello and one day I want to be able to play this piece myself, Vesi's talent with the cello is awe inspiring, delicate and beautiful to hear.

Another speaks to my grief like it is my journey through grief and my feelings made manifest in music, because we need to sit with grief sometimes, we need to acknowledge the uncomfortable thoughts and own them because they are a part of our journey, they have helped to shape the person that we are and it is this part of me that I tend to shy away from.

I need to learn to embrace both the good bits and the bad bits of me, before I felt like if I acknowledged the bits I don’t particularly like it would be like proving those little voices in my head right, those ones that tell you ‘you are selfish’ ‘you are unloveable’ ‘you are invisible’ ‘he will get bored and leave eventually because that’s what they all do’ But I need to stop, sometimes it is okay to be selfish, I am worthy of being loved, I am not invisible and he is here to stay. I need to not so much as ignore those voices as sit with them awhile, acknowledge their presence and open a dialogue with them. It is okay to feel envious of others, to feel that pang of longing when you see new mums, new families out and about exploring the world, it is okay to want that and know that it can never be. It is okay to want desperately to be noticed to be out there on that stage as a lead but know that there are always others who fit it much better than you and that is okay. It is okay to dream but it is also okay to realise that some things are never meant to be. It is this that I struggle with, my eternal optimist doesn’t like to hear those words. There is only so many times you can keep putting yourself through these things in the hope that one day might be your day before even the most eternal optimist loses something of themselves and this year was my year to falter, to fall flat on my ass, lose all confidence in everything I did and who I was before and it is only in this last month I have started to at least feel able to start dusting myself off, picking myself up and starting again. I need to learn it is okay to feel anger, to feel resentful, to feel upset, I am after all human and no one is perfect, I just need to learn to sit with my flaws, my insecurities and begin to get to know that which I have hidden even from myself.

I have finally published my new book of poetry and I am very happy with it and I feel proud of it, which is not something I say very often. I will actively tell people I have a book out again this is something alien to me, embracing the fact that yes MJ you are a writer (and not that bad a one either).

There are things in this world that I love that speak to my soul that is creating in all its forms, the sheer joy of music, of losing myself in whatever production I am a part of and snuggles with my boys on the sofa and board games with my Ian. Those precious snatched moments from the busy life we all lead. I have this vision, this nagging dream that refuses to be let go of and even though I have no idea how to bring it about I will try and do what I can to at least bring parts of it to fruition because sometimes a piece of a dream is better than none of it and that inherent stubborn streak of mine refuses to give it up or on myself (even though I came close to doing just that)

I hope that where ever you are in the world you have a Merry Christmas and look forward to the future whatever it holds.

Where does my future lie? Who knows but I will face it with the support of those around me, no longer trying to fight my demons alone anymore and I have some semblance of direction I just need to right this ship a bit more first and set sail and the below song has helped me get through some tough days too so I will end with that.

Whatever the future holds for all of us, let's face it together.

Until next time x

MJ