Belonging

Hello everyone,

Here I am. I’ve spent many weeks wondering what to write, who wants to hear the ramblings of a 45 year old tired and skint nurse, who has spent much of the last few weeks hiding under her duvet trying to shake off an enveloping black cloud, but then I thought sod it, so hey!

Ever felt like you don’t belong or that you are missing something but not quite sure what it is? Or maybe you think you know what it is, but you have no idea or can’t think of any way to achieve it without a large cash injection and major upheaval in your otherwise normal existence?

Do you ever just feel a bit lost? Now there are a lot of people out there who are far worse off than me and that makes me feel guilty that I have a roof over my head, a husband who loves me and my crazy white bundles of fluff and the prince of darkness that is my cat to keep me otherwise occupied and yet sometimes I feel out of place. Like there is something crazy I should be doing, maybe I have an adventurous spirit or itchy feet or I needed to come with some instruction manual that dictates MJ this is what you are meant to be doing with your life, but then again would I have been happy with that or would I have rallied against it, stubborn and independent that I am, Ha you can’t tell me what I should be doing with my life that is up to me! I have never been one to follow the crowd and I am a self confessed geek after all. But there in lies the problem, me I am the problem. I am a procrastinator, have I told you I can’t go into a Subway (the sandwich shop not the underground) as I have a mini panic attack at all the choice and end up ordering a tuna and cheese sandwich toasted, (yes it is as disgusting as it sounds). I constantly flit from one thing to another, maybe because I am still not quite sure where I belong but I’ll muddle through until I find it. Is this a mid-life crisis? Is this the old menopause that I’ve heard such ‘lovely’ things about kicking in? I must admit I have started turning into an emotional wreck at certain points of the month for no apparent reason that I can pinpoint and I have never normally been one to turn into a Jekyll and Hyde around that time of the month, but of late I am a tearful wreck.

I have felt a bit broken of late in fact I haven’t felt this broken for 30 years and we all know what happened then and the promise I made to myself that I would never go down that particular dark road again and now as always I am trying to find the reason for it, because I think if I can find a reason I can then logically find a solution to it but maybe that is the problem, depression doesn’t have to have a reason, I know for many it is just this horrible annoying thing that hangs over them like a black cloud and no amount of mindfulness seems to clear it, but I find that hard to accept. I don’t like being broken, I want to fix those broken bits even if it is with gaffa tape and a bit of pva glue. I need to learn to accept that it is okay to be broken, what’s the saying even a broken clock is right twice a day? I’m sure my husband would agree that I like to be right haha.

But in all of this murkiness there is some good that has come out of it, I have realised that I am more myself. I have stopped hiding. For the past year I have been me. I don’t hide the person I am anymore, I am a geek, a gamer and a serial crafter, I talk to people and reach out more than I ever did, I share the fact that I am feeling pretty crappy. I don’t know if it’s just a British thing or a universal thing where we are taught to hide our true selves to shy away from talking about the tough stuff, our mental health, our anxieties, our grief, our worries but I am glad that it is changing for the better.

This week I have been back in the theatre with my Abbey family and it has kept me marginally sane, they have been my reason to get out of bed and their love and support has meant the world to me and one thing I am certain about is the fact that I belong there with them, though I still have those old niggles at how on earth I ended up on a stage with such a talented bunch of people, I know that I belong to them, to those people, sharing all that I am with them. I will feel sad to say goodbye to them all for a few months until rehearsals start again for our next show but I will be keeping myself busy as always with things that I have been desperately wanting to do. I am now finally doing creative writing as part of an open university degree and I have lots of crafting ideas I want to put into motion for my fledgling business and even the seed of an idea where I can combine the two. I am doing things for me and it is liberating, to be me and only me, yes it has been tough these last few weeks and I’ve had to fight against myself at times to get up and out, putting so much energy into it that I have had a ridiculous amount of headaches like my brain is saying ‘no this is too much scuttle off back to bed’ but I have refused to surrender to that part of me, (that stubborn streak is actually doing me some good for a change).

I’ve been contemplating auditioning for another society, as I love it so much and want to learn to be better but a recent experience knocked my confidence a bit so I am kind of on the fence with that one, but hey I am still learning not to hide in the shadows and maybe I might still try as I am also a bit of Disney addict, (it is Disney themed). Hey I’ve been a fabulous tree in this production, maybe I’d make an equally fabulous gargoyle or 3rd villager on the left and maybe it’s time I branched out…ahem sorry couldn’t resist that one.

Who knows what the future holds, but dark cloud or no dark cloud, I am now always myself, I am no longer afraid to be myself and in at least one way I know where I belong. I belong to me, to being me and only me and that in itself is a good start.

Until next time x

MJ