Against the Storm

Hello not quite from the other side but somewhere in the middle.

A little up date on what has been happening with me, my last blog came from a place of sorrow, of drowning in my own sadness but I want to clarify one thing, when I said I felt alone, I felt alone even though I have a wonderful husband who loves me dearly and my feeling like that was absolutely nothing to do with him, it is this crappy depression that makes me feel like that, alone, or a burden to others, that feeling of being worthless, that sense of hopelessness is all part of my depression, my own self loathing, my own lack of confidence. He is my whole reason for being still here. Some people's response to my last blog that said I felt suicidal rather than asking me whether I was okay was one of angry emojis on my facebook page because they took what I said out of context (though I question whether the response of angry emojis was in any way the right way to react to this, I don't claim to know the minds of others, only what my own response would be to reading that and it would not be angry emojis but that is just me)

There have been additional realisations that I don't know other people as well as I thought I did and maybe that has helped me analyse how I come across, maybe I am still too good at hiding how I am feeling, perhaps it is an old habit that is hard to lose; the smile on my face that masks the need for counselling sessions, I know why I do it, I do it because who wants to see the tear stained wreck that I am inside, the just about functioning, anxiety riddled human? The mask is my way of coping, a kind of fake it til you make it response I guess because it is the only way I know how to deal with it.

Anyway let me be very clear the choices I felt I had to make a few weeks ago was either to kill myself or take myself off to prove to myself that I could do something, that I held the power to change my direction. I chose the latter because I was not done with the fight, I did not tell my husband before I went because I knew that he would stop me from taking that trip and I knew that if he did then I probably would not be here, writing these words right now, because that is how low I felt. I felt a burden, I felt alone with that burden in spite of having a loving husband because it was not a burden I wanted to share with him, as with anyone else who has ever contemplated ending things you don't want to burden those you love most with your worries, that you are a burden to them and to pass on your stress especially if you know they are already stressed themselves, it becomes a weight that you feel only you can hold onto and that was why I did it. It was me reclaiming myself, stopping myself going down a very dark road and it nearly cost me dearly and I am very aware of that fact.

If anything the last few weeks has shown me who I can count on and who I can't, it has made me learn to let go of negative relationships, that no matter what goes on in my life, others will make judgements and form their own opinions rather than talking to me for clarification and again that is their choice and their decision and those reactions spoke more than any words could, it is a sad realisation but to borrow a saying from a friend of mine 'it is what it is'.

Anyway let's leave the past right there, so where am I now? Well I am somewhere in the middle, I am not quite my happy self just yet but I am more functioning, I have been busy in that I have finally published my 2nd book of poetry and it is now available to purchase from Amazon and from all good bookshops (with the ISBN it should be anyway) and you can find the link to it at the bottom of this blog. I also started counselling this week and I am finally doing some nursing shifts a couple of days a week on Bank with a different health board who have restored at least some of my faith in the NHS and also about to start shifts going right back to my roots as a home carer for some of the in between. My businesses are now in the silly season of Christmas so equally busy meaning right now I am a busy bumble again. As far as the future? Who knows but at the moment I am fighting against the storm in my head and trying to right my listing ship with the help of my husband and some true friends and that right now is enough.

Until next time x

M J

For anyone that is interested here is the link to my book and I would be grateful if you left a review xx

https://amzn.eu/d/a4zXcXF