The Proactive Dreamer

Am I a proactive dreamer? Probably not, I guess I tend to be the 'so that didn't work out the way I planned so what's next?' kind of person rather than one who thinks 'this is going to go sideways so lets do something now' I think if you are proactive you aren't a hopeful person because if you were hoping that things worked out you wouldn't be proactively trying to find a solution because in your mind it's going to work out fine!

I've spent a long time trying to define me, seeking answers to the puzzle, the great solution to my life, am I doing it right, is there something else I should be doing? Asking that big wide world for guidance but its generally not listening, along with everyone else (let's face it there are very few people who even read the ramblings of this sad middle-aged woman). But hey maybe someday, when I am long departed from this world, someone will discover it and gleam something useful from my words.

It has remained a tough year for me, but I am wading my way through it. I found myself cast adrift from my Am Dram family, dropped from a dream show because the universe was conspiring against me in the form of car trouble one too many times meaning I'd missed too much (even though I'd only have been singing, so I don't think it would have been that hard to catch up but hey I go with what I must) and its funny I have felt a kind of grief for it, to the point I can't bare to see my friends excited posts about rehearsals etc, I've had to snooze updates because I just can't face them, like a nagging reminder of yet another failure in my life. It is something I very much doubt I will ever get to be a part of now as this was a special one off event and I have to come to terms with that.

It seems so silly, so stupid to be so upset by it to the point of tears when there are so many other things going on in this world that are far bigger than my not being part of a show I've always wanted to be in.

Perhaps it is just a symptom of my current fragility, that everything is heightened at the moment, that darkness, where that black cloud comes across and suddenly a light shower of shit seems to be like a monsoon and here I am furiously bailing water out of my leaky boat with what seems like a bucket with holes in. Then I get cross with myself for letting something so trivial get to me, like seriously woman?!

I have done a lot of thinking on whether I even want to continue to do it, do I carry on trying so desperately to be seen, fighting this sense of invisibility or do I say enough now it is pointless trying, just stop and to be honest I have yet to make that decision. I would miss it so much, it has meant so much to me, has made me stronger in many ways and yet the heartbreak and rejection has taken its toll, those niggles are back and trying to drown them out with a show tune or two hasn't helped recently. It is an unknown for now.

My career has been a rocky road, no nursing work has forced me to consider my options as has a distinct lack of support in my business endeavours (but this is partly my own doing) but I am finding my way through it as I am stubborn and don't give up that easily. I have a new job that works with my work/life balance and hopefully I can continue to grow my businesses around it and find my way. It will take a lot of time to get back afloat as I need to recover from this hiccup and with everything going up it doesn't help, but all I can do is keep moving forward.

I've spent too long on my fears, fears of failure, fears of rejection, fears of imperfection, fears of not being seen, on being forgotten and they have blinded me from what matters to me, and yes I sometimes think I need to get my head around the fact that there are somethings that will never be, grieve them and set them free and that sometimes dreams are just that and no matter how much I chase them, they will never be caught, but the reason why I struggle and the reason why I defiantly stand my ground no matter how much life knocks me on my ass is because, as always I can't help but try.

until next time x

MJ