The Hollow

I was asked recently which of my poems is my favourite and truthfully one of my favourites is this one, even though I wrote it this month when I was feeling particularly thoughtful regarding my grief, the loss that I live with every day, to me it sums things up perfectly.

It came to me as if it was meant to be, like someone was guiding my hand as I wrote it, perhaps Bob was shouting rather loudly at me that day and I was actually paying attention.

This missing piece of my heart that I cannot find, this empty hollow space where my daughter should be. Even though it has been 7 years now it still feels raw, like it was yesterday.

For those that say time is a great healer, the grief of losing a child is not one that time fixes, it just takes the edge off. You quietly learn to somehow go on, you don’t really move on from it, you can’t. There are always constant reminders of what is missing.

How I carry on? Truthfully some days I don’t know how to answer that question, I guess there is that part of me that is defiant in the face of grief, just like I am defiant against that dark shadow of depression that threatens and looms on the horizon like a black cloud. I am doing this for Emily, I am living for Emily as I said in one of my other poems, I breathe for her.

So I try to keep the smile on my face most days, I gaze at the ocean as if we are both there looking at it, I feel the sunshine on my face and smile as if this is a shared memory with her. Because this is all I have, memories of what should have been, memories that I can share with her because a part of me hopes she knows and is watching me. She watches and laughs at her silly mum bopping along to music in the car seemingly without a care in the world, singing songs that make her smile, because the thought of her smile helps me keep the darkness at bay.

For 12 roller coaster days she lived and I intend to fill the hollow left behind with memories for her. Her heart lies in my hollow, it’s just not quite big enough to fill it completely.

Until next time x

M