Righting My Ship

So my last blog was all about my listing ship, how depression had me firmly in it’s clutches and how I was attempting that whole rubber ball thing I seem to do on a regular basis but that my ball was feeling deflated.

This time I fought back and I fought back with absolutely everything I had, asking for the help that I needed, taking myself out of my comfort zone in many ways and grabbing that last ounce of fight I had and holding on to it for all I was worth and I am pleased to say that I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

The shadows are fading and the sun is shining. Yes I still have days that are overcast and occasionally threatening rain but I am armed with an umbrella… Me.

I have taken a step back from myself, I have looked at myself as if I am a puzzle, and anyone who knows me, knows I like a good jigsaw. I have been undertaking a course on stress management and one of the key things I have taken from that (apart from discovering I also had a touch of anxiety to go with my depression), is finding out what my own vicious circle is and how to deal with it.

My vicious circle were the pieces of the jigsaw that were eluding me, so whats in my vicious circle?

Well, depression left me battered and bruised, my confidence was at an all time low, I had zero confidence in anything I was doing (some days I still feel like I am faking it but now I do it with my smile back) And every step I take I feel as if my confidence in myself is returning.

I take too much on my shoulders, I think in some ways I probably care too much and I needed to take a step back from trying to be “all things to all men” I needed to realise that I cannot do everything and in someways I needed to be selfish, take more time out for me and only me.

I set myself up to fall, I set myself so many goals to achieve it is like I am deliberately giving myself things that are physically and mentally impossible for me to achieve because perhaps deep down a part of me still believed that whole “You will always be a nothing” conversation I had all those years ago and found I was subconsciously sabotaging myself. So now I give myself much smaller to do lists on a daily basis. It might be something as simple as saying “right today I am going to get out of bed and make a cup of tea” and that is it then once I have achieved that I might think “ok maybe I can put some washing on”. When I’m driving home from work I give myself one or two things to achieve when I get home, again it might just be pull up some weeds or take the dog out, but nothing more.

One last thing that I am working on is my fear of making a mistake, of missing something, because in my job that could effect someones quality of life, or even cost them it, but in someways I am trying to see this as a positive fear. It keeps me on my toes, it makes me question things, stops me from being over confident.

There is one last item in my vicious circle that I am still working on the one that effects my writing my wanting for it to be perfect. I want to have a go at drawing and other creative things, I have all the kit to do so but it still sits there looking at me, gathering dust, because I want it to be perfect and because I have little confidence in myself I don’t pick up the pen, I don’t attempt to use a paint brush or do anything else because I want to do the idea in my head justice, does that make sense? This is the last item in my vicious circle and the one that I struggle the most with.

But at least with all the rest I am, to quote a cliche, trying to turn my negatives into positives and facing my fears.

I am truly lucky and thankful that I have an amazingly supportive guy who has propped me up, cooked for me when he was tired after a long day himself, but knew it was just too much for me and made me laugh when I really didn’t think I could. I also have a wonderfully supportive work family who have patiently looked after me and our patients, not to mention a couple of great friends who have brought the smile back to my face at least for a few hours.

I was overwhelmed, exhausted physically and mentally but now I think I have turned a corner and I have done that not just because of me but because I asked for the help I needed, I took the support from those around me rather than trying to fight all on my own.

I feel ready to face the world again, be thankful for what I have and not pressurise myself into being perfect, because no one is, so with that, this weekend I am turning my attention back to the writing and I may even dust off my pencil case too.