Raise Your Freak Flag High

Well hello my friends, it has been awhile since I posted anything here so thought I would rectify that. A lot has happened in the interim year (or is it two?) since I updated you all and if I am honest it was because I got knocked flat on my bum again and I could not even put pen to paper for along time after, it was like I lost my voice as a writer and as a person for awhile.

So what happened? Well that is a long story involving honesty which cost me dearly (we all know my dreams about having a family) and having to prove to myself on many occasions that I am capable and worth so much more than others give me credit.

There has been much going on in this noggin of mine but I have steered the ship out of choppy waters and finally feel like the captain of my own ship once again.

When you are told you cannot do something if you are anything like me you go through a sea of emotions (what is it with me and water?!)

It is almost like the stages of grief, I start by getting upset and then angry but with a hint of niggling doubt in myself which grows and festers, so take as an example being told you have no self confidence…um hello maybe once upon a time this was me, absolutely, but not now. If this was still me I would not be able to walk into strangers houses as a community nurse to do my job, I certainly would not verify a person’s death or be able to be a patient advocate when they need me to be. I certainly would not have met my husband and would not be treading the boards of the Grand Theatre with my Abbey family next week if I had no self confidence, and yet…There is that seed of the old me that, once I calmed down a bit began to think what if they are right? Am I still that person?

The one who shied away from social gatherings because they would just be sat there on their tod being ignored all night because who would want to talk to me?

The one who never wore the clothes she wanted to wear because of hurtful comments and constantly worried about what others thought of her, desperately trying to be one of the cool kids and not the secret geek she was at heart.

The one who would never dream of going anywhere by herself because she can be lonely at home without spending money going somewhere and being surrounded by people out with their friends and loved ones having a laugh.

Once upon a time that was me…and this little seed of doubt was sown once more and it shook me, it took me back to that person, maybe they are right, maybe I am not worthy of being someone’s mum, maybe I am not capable of doing any of the things I want to do and the walls started to come back up again and I started building it back up, brick by self doubting brick.

But I am not that person anymore. And the fire stirred. Maybe I have channelled all that frustration and anger, maybe the quiet shy girl finally decided enough was enough, that is not me anymore, I am done being told I am not worthy, I am not going to let those old doubts back in to ruin my future. This is me.

I am a geek, I like science fiction and fantasy, I am a gamer of board, computer and little plastic models ( I can thank my husband for my warhammer and world of warcraft addictions lol)

I am as my husband calls it “unstoppably creative” I love all things crafty and now I wont shy away from getting my knitting or my crochet out in public.

I like jeans and T shirts with a secret inner hippie waiting to go all tie dye and flowers in my hair if I thought I could get away with it. I like flat comfy shoes but get me in a pair of boots and I feel like I can take on the world. (maybe its that extra inch making all the difference to this short lass…I mean concentrated awesome gal).

I approach everyday with a smile on my face, not just because I feel better and it puts everyone else at ease but also because I think my resting face appears to resemble grumpy cat when I look in a mirror.

I am no stranger to depression and high functioning anxiety but you know what, all the best people I know have one or the other or a combination of the two.

Every year I strive for a main role in a production because I want to learn more, I want to get better, I want to be front and centre and not be the girl hiding at the back where I would normally hide and let others shine because they crave it as much as I do but have that confidence to nudge their way forward and you know what I don’t want to be that person who does that, that tries to overshadow someone else.

That is not me.

And I know that normally I don’t get the part and after a small niggle of who in their right mind would give you a main part when they can go with tried and tested awesomeness and other thoughts of self loathing and generally feeling crap I brush it aside and carry on, content with my lot, after all I get to be many things and not have to worry about having a mic on in a loo (go on admit it, you Principle Role folks have this secret fear too!) and I see how absolutely fantastic the others are and think wow I wish I had an iota of your talent.

This year however I stepped back from myself for awhile and just took in other people. I observed others at auditions, I saw how equally nervous these absolutely confident, amazingly talented people were and heard the snippets of conversations, vocalising the thoughts that I thought were just in my head. I was equally resigned to being a chorus gal bringing life to the scenes in the background, however a small miracle happened I have a few lines hooray!! (12 years since I joined but I took it and have poured my heart and soul into it and the feedback from my fellow cast members has meant more to me than I can say). That someone finally saw even a glimmer of something in me made me feel like I had stepped out of the shadows, so thank you Ashley for the opportunity.

Of course this now means I crave a principle role even more but I am content to just be me or whatever character they want me to play and put my everything into it, because I am acting not just for others but for me, who cares if no one can see my Oscar winning performance at the back haha I know it was at least BAFTA worthy in my head, and that is now how I approach everything.

I do things not just for others but for me. I am currently undertaking an Open University Degree I started 10 years ago, to justify to myself that I am capable of doing whatever I set my sights on and I am doing it for me. I am practising more self care, ensuring I make time for the things I want to do. As my counsellor put it “You need to make time for self” and that was what I hadn’t been doing.

This years production of Shrek has taught me to raise my own freak flag high, because who else will? We are all on our own paths, but who says we can’t dance down it if we feel like it, car bopping and singing if we choose to or just taking it one day at a time, in quiet contemplation, stopping once and awhile to rest and view the world around us?

We need to be brave and take time to get to know others no matter what our inner critics are yelling at us, but we also need to get to know ourselves and once we know who we are, don’t ever hide that person away again because it is so very easy to lose sight of yourself and disappear back into the shadows.

So Hello world, MJ finally knows who she is and she refuses to hide anymore.

Until next time x

MJ

#author #depression #writer #anxiety #selfhelp #musings