Looking For Me

I came across this awhile ago and it spoke to me. I may have been doing a lot of self analysis of late. Looking back at who I was before and who I am now, I have come a long way. Because this was me for a very long time, especially after I moved to Wales. Hiding away from the world. Desperately trying to follow everyone else, trying to fit in, trying so hard to be liked, to have even one friend who I could talk to, who’d maybe call me up and say “Hey, how are you? Fancy a cuppa?” Some one who maybe liked even some of the same things as me, searching for that connection. Perhaps it is this inherent need in me to be liked that has kept me hiding away for so many years, crazy as that sounds. This fear of being too dull to be around has kept me at home, in my own little bubble because the outside world is just too scary to contemplate. So I decided to stop pretending now. So here goes…

I am not one of the cool gang. I do not spend hours on my make up before I go out, I do not spend hundreds of pounds on clothes or hair products. I have no idea how to do anything more exciting with my hair than a pony tail because…well I just never had anyone to show me how. I never went to girly PJ parties you see in the movies partly because a) I was rarely invited to them and b) my fear of keeping everyone awake with my snoring embarrassed me beyond the point of any acceptance that may have been being contemplated on my lips.

I am horrendous at keeping at touch. (absolutely awful, this is mainly because I never know what to say. People don’t really know me and I guess I don’t really know them either so after small talk like the weather I am out of ideas)

I am a horder especially where books are concerned. ( I have over one thousand in my library) maybe if you like books too this could be a good conversation starter?

I am terribly untidy (though I am attempting to combat this particular vice, I fear there will always be a hobo potentially living under the clothes pile that materialises in my bedroom even if I’ve recently evicted him as recently as the week before) I swear someone is breeding my clothes!

I love telly especially detective dramas and could quite happily spend a day watching Agatha Christie, Midsomer Murders etc.

I am also an avid gamer especially games like Call of Duty Black Ops, Rainbow Six, Star Wars Battlefront and World of Warcraft (this is both a love and a curse as it stops me from doing all the things on my to do list)

I enjoy going to the movies though I rarely go, mainly for financial reasons but I made sure I saw Star Wars, Dead Pool and Star Trek (which probably gives you a good insight into the kind of films I like)

I love board games though being the youngest by 11 years in my family I never really got to play games as it was more like being an only child with the age gap and playing monopoly with teddy bears was just never the same. Any like minded friends out there want to get together and play some?!

I also love singing though I tend to do this at home when no one is listening now but dearly miss my Amateur Dramatics, back when I was brave enough and had the time to do it.

I also love writing, but this fear that stops me being me, stops me from writing most of the time and then I am left with pangs of annoyance at myself when I read things I have written and wonder why on earth am I not doing this?!

I love animals and I just cannot understand how a dog for example, which gives such unconditional love can be treated so awfully by the people they think of as family. (this also means I tend to hate all programs that depict this, fiction or otherwise)

I love a bit of craft, cross-stitch, knitting, sewing (though I do not claim to be good at any of these- I have no idea how to use a sewing machine properly)

I also love cooking (currently trying to discover my inner Delia/Nigela/Mary Berry)

I am majorly self conscious, though I hide it well these days, those old taunts still haunt me some 30 years later so be careful of words said in haste for they can last a lifetime.

I love my family with all my heart and soul. I wish we were closer and that we talked more (but see first point to understand why I am pants with this)

So there we have it. I have curled up with my own rawness, with all my flaws and laid them bare for the world to see. Perhaps now it is finally time for me to open the door and let myself be me. Why not join me? Let yourself in. We may find out we have more in common that any of us ever realised.