Fractured

So where have I been? To quote the Beatles… “Here, there and everywhere.” Which is exactly where my mind is right now. I’ve spoken about black dog before, that grey cloud that lies threatening in the distance and for a time I had managed to out run it; this storm that was approaching.

But that was then and this is now.

Now I am in the middle of a particularly nasty storm, fighting my way back out again.

I guess this last month has been more of a trial than I realised, health problems lead to a trip to A&E, car problems, followed by more health problems finally widened the cracks enough for a little drop of crazy to slip through and the flood gates opened.

This is a place I never thought I would be anytime soon, I have not been this bundle of sadness for awhile and I did not envisage becoming this person again, but here I am, clinging onto my sanity for all I am worth, riding out the storm.

I became very good at hiding how I was feeling a long time ago and if anyone asked me the stock answer would come out automatically,

“I am fine”

As if saying those words out loud made the rest of me believe it, that anything else would be admitting defeat, that IT was winning. But this last week I realised I could not do this alone anymore.

It was time to face up to it, the fractures, the cracks were becoming too much for me to paper over and something had to give.

So this week I admitted it, I said the words out loud.

“I am not fine”

If I am truly honest I am exhausted physically and mentally from holding it all in. It was time I put my health first, time I put me first and time I stopped pretending.

One positive I do take from all this greyness is Bob, he remains steadfast there with me, I seem to write even more when I am depressed, in fact I have written two poems already this week, one of which is above.

My writing has always been this constant companion and today as I write this, I realise it has been my life line before, like the words I write seem to form a rope out of this dark hole, which eventually help me to reach the light again.

I am still suffering the after effects of my last health issue, but I am getting there, the mental side, not so much. But I am a writer with many stories left to tell and I am nowhere near finished with this chapter.