FORWARD

Hello my friends, as you can probably guess things did not go my way and I found myself knocked not only on my bum but totally floored and in this big dark pit of darkness. It is taking me a long time to pull myself out of this particular hole but I will, I’m just not quite there yet.

So what’s up? Well where do I begin? 2020 has been a year I would rather forget in many ways, not just the whole Covid thing that is keeping us away from our loved ones and having to postpone our wedding but this is the year that one particular dream died for me, and that was the dream of having children.

At the beginning of the year Covid delayed my one shot IVF, my last chance at having a child myself for several months, but then our shot came and by some miracle it worked. But as always things did not turn out the way I wanted them to despite my best efforts and I found out in October that yet again I was hearing the words miscarriage and that was it. Bang. Gone, all those dreams snuffed out like a candle.

I will never carry a child to term myself, I wont get to feel them kicking, I wont get to experience all the things that go along with that journey and that is hard to get over.

I liken this loss to a bit like an addiction, say an alcoholic who is trying to give up the drink being reminded of it everywhere they go, you only have to turn on the tv to any channel to find that they are either drinking, talking about it, or there is an advert for it. It turns up even in the random places, those places you think might be safe to hang out in. I once said to my fiance that if things did not go our way that where we live would be torture for me and it is. I am surrounded by reminders of what I will not have, the back garden is filled with the sound of children playing and if they aren’t there, the voices from a nearby school drift across.

It is hard to live in a world where children are the trigger for your PTSD and even more so now that they are a reminder of everything that will never be, so you can only imagine what life has been like for me these last few months. I remember when we first lost Emily, I could not even go into McDonalds because it was like walking into a playgroup.

This time things are different. I am trying not to build the big walls around myself, to face things more but this in itself is hard, when you have lived and survived things by creating this big protective wall around yourself, its hard to not grab a brick and start building again. I have retreated from the world for the most part because somethings were too hard to deal with at the time. I came away from Facebook because that place filled with photos of others happy memories, a sudden influx of pregnant people and now Christmas joy was too much for me.

I could not catch up with my friends, because here too babies were everywhere and so I have retreated. I have retreated into my own bubble for awhile. I coined the phrase “Beaten over the head with babies” and I am sure others who have been in my situation can relate to it, and is why I liken it to an addict trying to get over it whilst seeing reminders everywhere. Add to this that on occasion these reminders also trigger a loop of bad memories playing in my head like a film and it is any wonder I am functioning at all.

How am I functioning? I don’t really know. A combination of counselling and I guess the promise I made to Emily and to myself a long time ago that I would keep going is what is sustaining me, this stubborn streak of mine to never give up. I’ve been knocked on my backside so many times now that it’s almost become a norm for me and off we go again. I haven’t been able to work because at present that is one step too far, the combination of work stress, the impending festive season and children everywhere I look would be too much and I know for my own sanity (despite desperately wanting to help my work family at such a busy time) that I must stay away. So at present I am taking the little wins, the getting up in the morning, the doing things about the house, stepping outside the front door, I know I cannot live in a world without children and have to learn to deal with it without turning into a blubbing mess so I’m taking small steps. I have even been to McDonalds and survived it unscathed and faced a few trips to the supermarket, at one point walking down the baby aisle…because yeah I like to challenge myself…or should that be punish?

I realise I am always waiting for the but, the fall but in some ways that is ok because I know that if and when it comes I deal with it, I pick myself up, I dust myself down and I start again. I don’t know what the future holds, 2021 will come and with it a different version of me, a fresh start if you like. I will continue to move forward, follow other dreams and live just as I promised, I may even find my smile again.

So until next time my friends stay safe x

MJ

#depression #grief #loss #writing