Finding My Way

It has been a funny few months, I have found myself rattled by thoughts, old thoughts, old niggles, opening that box of darkness I thought I had a handle on, that I was chipping away at.

I felt free leaving the NHS to pursue my own path and yet it seems the universe has conspired against that freedom. (little things like the NHS suddenly stopping using agency staff lol)

I have not been myself for awhile and very few people have noticed or reached out to see if I am okay. The support I thought I would have wasn't there, in words and deeds and that's okay, I have long been of the opinion I am alone in this world with what matters and that my endeavours at kindness and supporting others is a one way street and I have been proved right many times over and yet the hope was always there that I was wrong, but recently I think I lost that hope and without hope what am I?

I think hope and faith were two things that kept me afloat, faith in the Almighty? well I lost that a long time ago because every prayer I sent has always gone unanswered and who wants to believe in a God who gives cancer to children and leaves would be parents like me in a world of grief and heartbreak with no resolution? (I'm still waiting for a good answer to that one to restore my faith) Indeed religion has a lot to answer for, many lives have been lost because of it, now I'm not saying that the church as a whole does not do a lot of good because it does and a faith like that keeps people alive and ironically gives others hope just not me, I don't think he ever listened to me and who does? Perhaps that is just me, one of those things I keep in that box, that I feel invisible even to the Almighty. Am I an atheist? An atheist with hope that just maybe someone out there is listening and watching out for me but I don't know the answer to that one, so I decided to just have faith in me, in myself and the world around me. We like labels but I don't think you can label me lol.

I am a complex mess who barely has any faith in herself most days let alone anything else that might or might not be out there but I try to live my life by my own set of rules and morals and I think that is okay and yet what does it get me?

And here in lies the problem...my problem (one of many) I now find myself asking what's in it for me? I support others through sharing their businesses and buying from them, hell I even bought a violin from someone I only knew as an acquaintance because I knew they were struggling and needed the funds and yet I said nothing (until now). I bought books from a friend to help their growing business (like I need more books) with the insane belief that if it was the other way around they would do the same for me and yet the realisation is that they don't, that I am alone in my way of thinking, that hoping others would do the same is just not the reality of my existence.

And then I feel guilty, guilty for wanting others to do the same, guilty for feeling invisible to others ( they are after all caught up in their own lives) and don't get me started on my invisibility in the world of Am Dram.

I found myself having a deep thought the other day about if I got to heaven and they judged you on the seven deadly sins I'd be in a whole heap of trouble because I am guilty of a few of them!

Gluttony - guilty as charged - don't get me started on my love for all things Greggs, pastry and potatoes particularly in chip form.

Envy - Envious of the talent of others, the big house, the fast car and the money to burn without a care in the world.

Greed - I want the small holding with acres of land and enough money that I don't have to worry about anything but to be creative, oh and enough money for those silly things like surrogacy costs.

Lust - yes I am guilty of this...hello have you seen the likes of Henry Cavill and Jensen Ackles? (and again don't get me started on my craving for a Greggs chicken bake or a chippy tea lol)

Sloth - One of the biggest ones - can I chalk this one up to depression? I find myself shying away from things I should be doing, the never ending can't be arsedness that stops me from doing so many things and is a constant effort to fight against on a daily basis.

On a positive note I don't think I tick all the boxes, I don't really think of myself as a prideful person after all one of my mantras has always been 'he who blows his own trumpet very soon runs out of puff' but then I think sometimes maybe I should have done, maybe I would have been less invisible if I had been yelling 'hey notice how awesome I am'

Wrath - I don't think I am a particularly angry person, I tend to go with the flow, the only time you will ever see me angry is if someone is hurting a family member or an animal then look out.

How is all this helping me find my way?

Because I don't like this side of me, this envious, pity party I am turning into, this is not me and I need to turn it about. I will continue to do what I can for others because that's just me, so what if that isn't recognised, it never has been. So that's a new mantra, so what?

So what if you like Greggs, just don't go nuts.

So what if no one notices you? they never have before and that's okay. You notice you, you know what you have done and that is enough.

So you don't have oodles of money, that's okay, we can chip away at stuff by working harder than ever, that last one is never going to happen without a lottery win and that's okay. At least you have more time for yourself right?

So what if no one tells you, you are beautiful today, that's okay, you know deep down you are beautiful and hey maybe in a former life I was a Greek goddess haha

So what if you don't feel like doing anything today, its okay, give yourself some time, maybe take a few minutes to just be in the moment, do something productive then treat yourself to a cup of tea. (okay this one is going to take some working on)

I need to remind myself of who I am, this person I was becoming is not me. I am not the 'woe is me girl' I am the 'Right what's next girl' and 'what are you going to do about it girl?'

There was a promise I made a long time ago that I intend to keep.

I love nothing more than creating now all I need to do is find my way through or failing that create one.

Until next time x

MJ