Fighting Back

This image kind of sums me up at the mo. I’m not quite sure what has happened over these last few months to me but I feel like I have lost myself.

I feel like I am living in a fog, creatively and physically. My holiday in September was just what I needed and I even managed to do a bit of writing even if it was just a little, but since then nothing…zip.

I feel like I am in permanent hibernation mode, that I am fighting myself but the effort is too much and my inner sloth is winning. Is this what burn out feels like? Or has black dog crept upon me when I wasn’t looking and is now taking a long nap in my lap and I’m too afraid to move for fear of stirring it back awake?

I think I am still pretty good at hiding this grey cloud from other folk most of the time, the sunshine over these last few months has really helped and my day job and my patients gets me through the day. Maybe I am suffering for Seasonal Affected Disorder now the rain has returned? Who knows, but like my last blog said I am waiting for me.

I only have myself to blame for my lack of activity in the writing department, for my own perpetual state of chaos in the rest of my life. All those little jobs that turn into big jobs and when you try and finally get around to doing them, you find the can’t be arsedness is great and you have to fight the urge to just curl up in a ball somewhere.

I seem to be spending a lot of time fighting, fighting myself, fighting time and I don’t like it. I need to get my shi* together. I have wasted too much time on inactivity.

There are things I will never be…photogenic enough or good enough to land a principal role in a production.

I will never be a great dancer or live in a show home with a place for everything.

Yet this does not stop me dreaming about all of the above.

In my mind it’s me twirling around the dance floor in a sequined sparkly number on Strictly, it’s me fluffing my lines and being serenaded on that stage. Writing endless to do lists to finally organise my stuff.

Maybe I am tired of living in the shadows of others, maybe it’s this inherent need I feel to belong, to be noticed by someone other than my dog. My own lack of confidence in anything I do seems to be all consuming at the moment to the point it has stopped me trying (I didn’t even audition for this years production because it just seemed pointless). Maybe I am just feeling ridiculously sorry for myself and how much of my life I have wasted on inactivity, on things that don’t matter. Maybe it was the big number I hit this year, is this a midlife crisis?

All I know is, I am tired of sleeping through my life. .

It’s time to engage the madness. I need another year of doing all the mad things I wouldn’t normally dream of doing. Lock away the shy self conscious girl with zero confidence I seem to have set free.

It is time to wake up Mary Jane.