Ebb and Flow

So it’s “that” month and I have to be honest this year is testing me in a lot of ways, I guess my positive outlook on life only takes me so far and sometimes that dark cloud is so all consuming that it’s hard to find my way out of the fog. So where am I now?

I am at a low ebb. Right now I am in the midst of a fog, riding the waves of a storm, desperately trying to steady the wheel of my ship which keeps slipping out of my grasp.

People often call depression “Black Dog” but to me this is an insult to dogs, dogs are so loving and give so much of themselves to others that I can’t call my depression after something that brings me joy.

I have been trying to keep this ship a float through a Pandemic on the front line with many wonderful people who really need me to be there to support them, because it is tough and it is scary out there and we need each other to get through it and I have given it everything I have to do so but this month, this horrid month crept upon me and like a giant Iceberg sneaking up on the Titanic, I sprung a leak. With a combination of the whole Covid uncertainty, July and a whole host of other issues, a large gaping hole appeared and the only thing I could do was cast everyone else adrift in a lifeboat and try and bring this thing under control before I was well and truly sunk without a trace.

So how am I now? Not great, but not right at the bottom, there is still some buoyancy in this leaky ship. I find myself one step away from tears with no explanation. I replay horrid memories on a loop like some Ground Hog Day Horror mashup when I see or hear my “triggers” My head filled with every negative thought and emotion it cares to suck out of the ether like a sponge. Fighting against an almost overwhelming urge to just hide under a duvet for several days, but that does not solve the problem, the duvet would just sink with me eventually if I don’t do something about this leak.

So what am I doing? I am listening to my body and my head, though my heart wants to get back up and get back to the front line, I have to listen to the rest of me this time, I need to repair the damage before it becomes irreparable. So I am taking a step back, I am getting the help I need to get through it (which as always takes a bit of waiting) and I am channelling a creative kind of therapy this time.

I always find I write more when I am under this dark cloud, that my creative brain seems to kick in and act like a bit of shield, so I am attempting to plug a few of the leaks with crafting and art therapy in the hope that I can re-float this ship away from the rocks I appear to be hurtling towards.

Ebb and flow that is how my story goes, I push forward, something pushes me back, but I will always strive for the shore, no matter how tired I am, the defiant spark is reaching out a hand to steady the wheel and will not let go.

Until next time x

M J

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